Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
I separated from the love of my life a year ago. It ended for a shocking reason: he was having an affair with our friend’s daughter Vivian*, who’s about 10 years younger than him. We had both become good friends with Vivian’s parents. What followed was the worst breakup I could ever imagine, and it came completely out of left field.
In my mind, neither of us knew Vivian that well. She’d come by to drop off her parents at our place a few times. When I went to our friend’s house for Thanksgiving, I thought it was strange that Vivian wouldn’t sit at the table or make eye contact with me. I could feel her becoming increasingly odd and distant, which made me put my guard up. When news of their affair finally came out, Vivian hid away and refused to discuss it with me. She’s 37 years old, so it’s not like she’s a child.
After I decided to move out of our place, my ex blocked me from everything. And he wouldn’t arrange for me to come get my things, so all I had was what I could fit in my car the day I left.
Finally, I made arrangements to get my belongings with a police escort. When I got to my old place, I could see that Vivian had moved in—along with her four children. She had completely taken over my home, and it didn’t even belong to my ex—it originally belonged to my parents.
When I arrived, Vivian was just waking up from a nap. She immediately started yelling that I wasn’t supposed to be there, and—like clockwork—my ex pulled up in his car. When the officer went to speak with him, Vivian grabbed my hair and slammed the door on me. The officer wasn’t looking and didn’t see what happened, and he ended up charging me with assault. I’ve spent the past year fighting this charge.
I’m 55 now, and I’ve had to start completely from scratch. I’ve felt so alone on this journey, and my ex’s behavior has left me feeling insecure no matter what I do. I’m a very spiritual person, but I don’t even see where to begin. How do I move on from a loss as deep as this?
Sincerely,
Picking Up the Pieces
Dear Picking Up the Pieces,
When your whole life is blown up, it often happens in an instant. I bet you remember the exact moment you knew your ex was having an affair—the way the Earth suddenly stopped moving and you knew nothing would be the same again. But these changes never really unfold all at once, because the scene was set long ago. In the weeks, months, and years leading up to a catastrophic and totally unexpected change, all the stakes were being put in place, unbeknownst to you. When the change finally happens, it never really comes out of nowhere—it was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back, the final push before a dark truth was made known.
When devastating truths finally come to light, it makes you question everything you thought you knew. After you found out your ex was having an affair right under your nose, with someone totally unexpected, you probably asked yourself: When did this start? How did I not see this coming? What else do I not know? It’s rarely the people you hate who end up hurting you, but often the people you love and trust the most. That’s why energy vampires often present themselves as allies before they suck the life out of you. And let’s get one thing straight—your ex was an energy vampire from the start. This was more than just an affair. It was a full-blown sting operation. He saw your generous and hopeful spirit, took advantage of it, and left you with nothing—not even your house. Sometimes, the garbage in our lives can look like roses, which is why the Universe is often forced to take out the trash for you.
Life means nothing if you’re not kind. But the downside of being kind is that it’s a highly attractive quality to malevolent characters. Toxic people are attracted to kindness like moths to a flame. Your birth chart shows that you are an extremely giving, empathetic, and spiritually-inclined person, making you a prime target for con artists. You’re a Pisces sun in the ninth house of expansion and open-mindedness, making you someone who always has faith that everything will work out. Unfortunately, Pisces are sensitive, and at times, easy to deceive and mislead, and because your natal Neptune—planet of fantasies and illusions—is located in your fifth house of romance, you and your big heart may have a tendency to overlook red flags in relationships. And with your Pisces sun sitting directly across your natal Pluto—planet of destruction and ulterior motives—you’re someone who has been defending yourself from enemy forces all your life.
These enemies are often hidden in plain sight, as your natal Pluto is in Virgo in the third house of local acquaintances. No wonder it was Vivian, your friend’s daughter—someone in your social circle that you probably overlooked as a threat—who turned out to be your secret hater. Make no mistake—Vivian wanted what you had. However, these enemies are not always around you, but within you, as people born with their sun opposite Pluto can also be the makers of their own demise. And sometimes, being kinder to someone else than you are to yourself actually makes you your own worst enemy. (Learn more about Pluto’s meaning in astrology.)
You’re also a Cancer rising, which makes you one of the most sensitive and caring types of people on Earth. You thrive when you’re making someone else feel at home. You are ruled by your moon in Capricorn, a zodiac sign that is always aiming to please, provide, and perfect. This makes you someone who probably invests a lot of effort into bringing someone up and helping them better themselves, especially because your moon is in the seventh house of partnerships. However, as recent events would prove, it hasn’t always been worth the investment, as all that energy would have been better served toward loving and taking care of yourself. And because your Pisces sun falls into your ex-partner’s eighth house of financial investment and transactional energies, you poured so much time and money into your relationship only for him to leave you high and dry. He literally took your inheritance—your parent’s house. Luckily, this is far from the end of your story, as the eighth house is also where transformation happens. And even though your ex hurt you, he also jumpstarted one of the most significant spiritual glow-ups you’ll ever have. The wisdom you receive in return will be well worth your while. Sometimes, a part of your personality needs to die so a more powerful part of yourself can be born. (Learn more about the 12 houses of astrology.)
You’re in the process of learning a lot about how relationships work, but also about how to sustain a peaceful life for the long term. You were born with your natal Jupiter and Uranus forming a conjunction in Libra in your fourth house of family and domestic affairs. Uranus is an erratic planet of sudden changes, and Jupiter only amplifies what it touches, which means you’ve likely dealt with unpredictable situations at home all throughout your life. And since last year, you’ve been feeling the intensity of that instability become harder to ignore. This ship has been sailing through stormy waters for a while now.
Since last year—around the same time as your breakup—the South Node Libra has been moving over your cozy fourth house, forcing you to let go of what’s causing this recurring instability at home. The South Node is designed to help you purge the poison in your life, and in one fell swoop, your ex’s affair exposed just how contaminated your relationship had become. Unfortunately, bleaching out all the negativity in your life also destroys some of the positivity. It’s as though you need to—like you said—start completely from scratch. Fortunately, that’s always been the plan, as the South Node always paves the way for the evolution of your soul, bringing you closer to your higher self. You were surrounded by sharks when you were with that man, and no matter how bleak things may seem right now, you are currently rescuing yourself and being brought to safety. Being away from him is already a vast improvement. (Learn more about your South Node).
Right now, you’re on a path toward major upgrades that heal you on a soul level. Yes, your ex completely upended your life at age 55, a time when everyone hopes they can finally settle down. However, the truth is—your best years are still ahead of you. Right now, the North Node is moving through Aries, and you were born when the North Node of Destiny was moving through Aries. Not only does this mean you came here to fully realize your identity and stand strong in your independence, but it also means you’re knee-deep in learning how to do that right now. The North Node always symbolizes your destiny and everything you were born to accomplish. You did not incarnate so you could inhibit your potential by remaining codependent and tied to draining situations. Your ex was siphoning your life force, and with him gone, you’re starting to get it back. You never needed someone else to complete you, because you were born to complete yourself. (Learn more about your North Node.)
Naturally, this is always easier said than done. In your birth chart, Venus—planet of love and relationships—is in an exact conjunction with your natal Saturn in Aries. Not only does this pretty much guarantee difficult relationship experiences, it triggers deep transformations. And while having Venus in Aries makes you passionate and impatient in love, the presence of Saturn forces you to wait for something that’s actually worth it. After all, Saturn is the planet of karma, delays, and restrictions. Throughout your life, it may have always felt like something is standing in the way of your ability to find real, genuine love, causing you to settle for far less than you deserve. However, it’s the lack of faith that you’ll ever get what you deserve that may also be putting you in unstable situations. And because the North Node is bringing your focus to these pressures, you’ve been seeing your relationships in a different light, illuminating the shadows you’ve been avoiding. (Learn more about your Venus sign.)
The truth always sets you free, and after a total solar eclipse rises in Aries on April 8, you may begin to see the initial beginnings of your future taking shape, especially when it comes to the way you give and receive love. You’re in pain right now, as you’re continuing to process all that has transpired, but that’s only because you’re fully entrenched in the healing process. Let’s remember that Chiron is also moving through Aries and it will be at the same exact degree as this upcoming eclipse. Chiron represents our deepest wounds and our lifelong attempts to heal those wounds. For the remainder of the year, you’ll make real progress as you heal from these losses. You’re learning how to give yourself that love you’ve always wanted.
All your life, Saturn has been making you work extra hard in order to find love, but your natal Saturn in Aries also has a way of rewarding you for your patience and resilience. Let’s not forget Saturn is also the planet of discipline and delayed gratification, and as you continue to internalize the lessons you’ve learned during this horrific and traumatizing situation, you will continue to realize why, in many ways, it had to happen. It had to happen in order for you to eventually become the incredible person you were always meant to become. You know how when people look back on their lives, they often say, “If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing”? I promise that’s exactly how you’ll feel one day (and sooner than you think). If these betrayals never came to light, you’d never know the beautiful future that is currently being set up for you. Do not fret—the arrangements are already being made. The way you’ll move on is simply by allowing yourself to grow. Losing everything is not always a loss, but a gain.
Dreamily,
Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.