21 Signs Your Man Has Anger Issues And How To Cope

Every relationship goes through fights and arguments, ups and downs. Maybe you and your partner even have said a few angry words to each other along the way that you wish you could take back. But suddenly, things go too far to tolerate and here you are, looking for signs a man has anger issues.

It could be as subtle as being too quick to react to everything you say or as obvious as isolating you from friends and family. Since there is no defined behavior template for a man with anger issues, attributing all their reactions to temper can get confusing. But the ice-cold silent treatment and the sharp words stabbing like a sword will always notify you when a guy has anger issues.

Wondering how to deal with someone with anger issues? We’ve rounded up short-tempered person psychology, along with expert insights from counseling psychologist Kavita Panyam (Masters in Psychology and international affiliate with the American Psychological Association), who has been helping couples work through their relationship issues for over two decades.

How do anger issues impact a relationship

Getting angry at your partner once in a blue moon is not an unusual occurrence. At times, their hurtful words may sound offensive to you or certain actions can go against your needs, leaving you surprised. Up until here, the situation is under control. The negative effects of anger in relationships can be seen in the ‘pattern’ of expressing that rage. It can range from stonewalling your partner to something as scary as domestic violence.

Here’s how to know if a man has anger issues. Here are some characteristics of a short-tempered person:

• Yelling
• Calling names
• Breaking things
• Constant nitpicking

We asked our readers, “Would you date men with control issues?” And the majority of them were not okay with tolerating anxiety and anger in relationships. Let’s face it, severe symptoms of anger issues can rust healthy relationships. It splits two partners into different teams – as if you don’t play with each other, you play against the other person.

From dealing with an irresistible urge to beat your partner in verbal attacks to tiptoeing around them to dodge physically abusive gestures, you slowly drift apart in the relationship. If your husband gets angry easily, chances are that it will negatively impact all his other relationships too. Let’s find out how:

1. Affects your self-esteem

If you’re in love with a typical, nitpicky self-centered person whose words cut like a dagger, your relationship is highly at stake, my friend. The whole purpose of this person’s life is to:

• Find fault in others
• Criticize their loved ones for insignificant matters
• Humiliate them in front of others
• Belittle their achievements

Expecting a bit of appreciation and gratitude in a relationship is not too much to ask for. When you’re at the receiving end of constant name calling, it will hurt your sense of self-worth and confidence, making you second guess each small and big decision in life.

2. Makes you walk on eggshells around them

“My boyfriend’s anger gives me anxiety,” says Anne, a 21-year-old literature student at NYU, “I almost never know what little things could upset him so. The other day, I forgot to turn off the heater before leaving for school and he actually called me in the middle of a class to shout at me. As much as I love him, I hate walking on eggshells in my relationship ALL the time.”

Do you see how the unpredictability of a bad temper could be extremely unsettling to the other partner? When one person is constantly trying to watch their words and actions to keep the other calm, they can never show their authentic self and it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship.

3. Makes you revengeful

If your husband gets angry easily, he triggers you simultaneously with each fight, argument, and a little spat. You will always be on the lookout for opportunities to show him down and prove him wrong by hook or by crook. No two people can live in such a toxic relationship for long and it’s only a matter of time before you realize, “Enough is enough! I can’t do this anymore.”

4. Presents them as a frightening creature

There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships (rather, forced to stay). My friend Angela shared her bitter marriage story with me, “I am afraid of my husband’s anger. I sometimes can’t believe we started this relationship with so much love, affection, and hope. And here we are today! What to do if your husband hits you? The worst part is, with the baby coming soon, I can’t even pack my bags and just slam the door on his face.”

The kind of future Angela was planning for her baby and herself terrified me to the core. Fair warning: Dating a man with anger issues has many, many downsides but physical abuse should be a clear deal-breaker. Call the national domestic violence helpline, get a restraining order, move away if you can, report him for abuse – do whatever it takes to ensure your safety.

21 Signs A Man Has Anger Issues

“My partner’s reactions are often disproportionate to the situation,” shares Vern, an engineer from Toronto. “I understand being frustrated, but the way he reacts to every small nuisance is sometimes frightening and concerning. Apart from being obviously impatient, does my husband have anger issues too?”

We’re not saying that his remorse is not genuine. However, men with anger issues have trouble controlling their reactions. Even if in his calm, composed state of mind he sees that his anger is becoming a problem in the relationship, he may not be able to hold himself back from lashing out once his temper is triggered. The only way to protect yourself and possibly work toward finding a solution is to identify the signs a man has anger issues. Read on:

Related Reading: My Husband Is Stingy And His Only Focus Is Money, Even At The Cost Of Relationships

1. He cannot manage his emotions

For Lisa, it was difficult to read her husband Richard. There were days and weeks when he would shower her with flowers, presents, and compliments. A few days later, he would be shouting her down because she had bought the wrong brand of breakfast cereal. “When a guy has anger issues, he will swing back and forth between extremities,” says Kavita, adding, “He will show tremendous love and care one day, and then lash out at you furiously the next. There will be no balance, no mid-point.”

If your partner indulges in extreme love-bombing at times, but belittles you or screams at you about small things in daily life, these are signs he has a temper. Not knowing how he is going to react to a situation is among the most telling indicators of rage issues. As a result, you will find yourself walking on eggshells around him – even in your most peaceful or blissful moments of togetherness.

2. He apologizes but won’t change

Knowing how and when to apologize is key to a healthy relationship. If your partner apologizes every time he takes his anger out on you, but refuses to change his behavior, it’s one of the signs he has a temper. It becomes a truly toxic relationship and a vicious cycle where he knows that all he needs to do is to say “sorry”, and you will forgive him no matter how much he has hurt you.

He may even be genuinely sorry every time, but unless he’s getting help or learning to control his rage urges, his apologies are hollow and meaningless. You know your spouse or boyfriend has temper issues when despite their most emphatic and heartfelt apology, a part of you refuses to believe that things are going to change for the better.

3. He neglects you emotionally

“The right to display anger manifests in many ways,” says Kavita. “It may not only be physical fights or road rage. Emotional neglect could also be a way to tell if a guy has anger issues. It’s latent/passive anger if he:

• Never has your back
• Shows no support or care
• Doesn’t make it a point to communicate with you every day
• Gives you the silent treatment“

That’s what happened to Martha and Ben. Ben rarely yelled at Martha; his anger was of the cold, sullen type where he simply would stop talking to her at all. It was as though he was punishing her all the time. She was constantly on edge and kept wondering, “What makes a man angry in a relationship?”

If you are being shut out or given the cold shoulder after every disagreement or argument, know that this could very well be among the signs a man has anger issues. The brooding, aloof personality may seem appealing from afar – thanks to pop culture and media feeding us misplaced ideas of masculinity and machismo – but it can get exhausting to put up with rather quickly.

Related Reading: How To Control Anger In A Relationship: 12 Ways To Tame The Temper

4. He’s always quick to judge

How to spot anger issues in a relationship? Take a moment to introspect how you’re made to feel in the relationship:

• Does your partner encourage you, lift you up, and make you feel like he’s truly blessed to have you?
• Or does he find newer, more creative ways to let you know you’re not good enough?

You wear a new outfit, he passes a scathing remark. You decide to watch a movie together, he complains about it and blames you for choosing it. No matter what you do, it’s never good enough for him and he will judge you immediately. If you found yourself nodding, take note: This is one of the warning signs a man has anger issues.

“In abusive relationships, they will try and change everything about you. They will continually make you feel unworthy and every choice you make will come under criticism,” Kavita says. “Even when you try to resolve things, they will bombard you with insults and refuse to work things out.”

5. He brings up past mistakes

How do you tell if a guy has anger issues? Ugly fights occur. He will make every attempt to beat you down with past mistakes just to leave you feeling small and helpless. Here’s an example. Maybe right now you’re fighting over something as simple as whether or not to have guests over on the weekend. In this fight, he will:

• Bring up something you said at a party a year ago
• Remind you of that time you brought home flowers he was allergic to
• Blame you for the money you wasted on party food six months ago

6. He isolates you

Among the most telling signs a man has anger issues is his need to control every aspect of your life and curb your independent streak, little by little:

• He doesn’t like you to meet your friends
• He hates you go to see your family members for Sunday brunch
• “Why do you need to work? I earn enough for both of us,” he might tell you

“If your husband has bad temper, he will isolate you from all your support systems,” warns Kavita. “The idea is to make you entirely dependent on him so that even if he takes out all his anger on you, you have no one to turn to and nowhere to go. They even make it sound like they want what’s best for you. But then they won’t allow you to earn and spend your own money,” she adds.

7. He manipulates you

Here are some subtle signs of male aggression:

• He will make you think you’re always in the wrong and he is, in fact, the victim
• He will constantly gaslight you or stonewall you
• In case you suggest trying couple’s therapy, he’ll immediately tell you he doesn’t need it because apparently, it’s all in your head

If you try to defend yourself, he might look wounded and accuse you of hurting him, when it’s actually the other way around. Men with anger issues have a manipulative side to them which you will neither be able to see for what it is, nor deal with it until you accept the reality of your situation.

8. He makes you feel unworthy

We’ve all got examples of hurtful things we should never say to our partners. But a boyfriend with anger issues will take things a few steps further. Here are some real life examples for your reference:

• He will constantly make you feel unworthy
• He might tell you you’re lucky he’s dating you because no one else would
• He will always find a way to put you down because that’s what he needs to lift himself up in his own eyes

9. He gives you the wrong advice

If you ask a man with anger issues for advice, it’s certain that he won’t put himself in your shoes. Instead, he will give you advice that will benefit him in the longer run. This could be about your career, your family, or other life issues. That’s how to know if a man has anger issues – he will give you advice that will bring your life crashing down.

Related Reading: 13 Of The Worst Things A Husband Can Say To His Wife

10. He badmouths you

Men with anger issues won’t care about how they make you look to the outside world. Their focus is entirely on their own rage. So, if he’s constantly being hurtful to you, rest assured he’s talking bad about you behind your back as well:

• He could be telling your family you’re a bad spouse
• He’ll tell your friends you can’t keep a secret
• He might even tell your boss that you weren’t really sick that day you took a leave

If he can cut you off from everyone else, it means your relationship lacks a healthy power dynamic. And that’s just what he wants. Anger issues in men can truly impair their judgment and their partners are the ones who have to bear the brunt of it.

11. He may force you to leave

If there are anger issues in a relationship, there will be countless screaming matches. He may even force you out of the house, saying he can’t stand the sight of you, or it would be better for everyone if you just left. Again, it could be daytime or the middle of the night, but he’s not worried about where you’ll go or if you have enough money for gas in the car. He is simply asserting his anger issues and his power over you by forcing you to leave.

12. He punishes himself

Anger is not always directed outwards but inwards too. This lack of self-love may result in him punishing himself in the following ways:

• He drowns himself in substance abuse to escape his dark/depressing thoughts
• He doesn’t choose activities that are good for him (working out, painting etc)
• He denies himself healthy food and eats junk instead

13. He threatens to hit you

Still looking for signs a man has anger issues? The fact that you feel scared is an important one that you shouldn’t ignore. It’s a major red flag if he notice him restraining himself from hitting you. Love is supposed to make you feel safe and not fearful.

14. He beats you

Here are some signs that your empath-narcissist relationship is extremely dangerous and you need to seek help immediately:

• Your boyfriend throws things when angry
• He causes you physical injuries
• He treats you as someone who is inferior

15. He gets into fights

A study shows that avoiding coping with stress and low self-esteem in interpersonal problem-solving often add fuel to the temperament of angry people. As a result, they end up projecting their issues on people around them. So, pay attention to the following questions:

• Do you see him getting violent at innocent remarks by a close friend?
• Does he get angry at waiters/cab drivers over petty things?
• Does he feel frustrated/provoked by others multiple times a day?

16. He feels guilty but doesn’t change

My friend Sarah confessed to me recently, “My husband gets angry if I disagree with him. He says mean things and later cries about how guilty he feels. But this vicious cycle repeats itself and the emotional abuse never stops. Is he mad at me or mad at himself?” If your SO (like Sarah’s) feels remorse but doesn’t back it up with concrete behavioral changes, you’re in love with an alpha male who needs professional support.

17. He struggles with healthy venting

Mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada emphasizes, “An angry spouse or partner is often impatient and shows an unwillingness to listen to any contrary opinion. They don’t even realize the magnitude of their behavior during fits of rage. While it is healthy to vent, you should do it in a non-violent and sensitive way. One can write or express anger in some form of performance art too. Anger can be expressed creatively.”

18. He doesn’t give you space

What causes anger issues, you wonder? Deep insecurities and the feeling of not being enough. And it manifests as extreme jealousy/possessiveness. On the warning signs of a controlling husband, A Reddit user wrote, “When someone phones or texts or messages your mobile phone like 40 times a day (or even lots more)… even when you’re at work, so you have no peace at all.”

Counselor Shazia Saleem says, “There is a very thin line between controlling and caring. Most of the time, people control the other person in the disguise of care, not allowing them to be independent enough.”

19. His body language changes

Behaving in an inappropriate manner or getting angry if things don’t work out the way they wanted are common characteristics of a short-tempered person. So much that you are scared of him. Look for the following body language signs:

• He gets red in the face and his eyes go from almonds to lemons
• His nose and chest puff up and he looks like he wouldn’t waste a minute to kill someone
• His heart rate and blood pressure increases

Related Reading: Understanding The Dynamics Of Abuse In A Relationship

20. He destroys items

Is punching walls a sign of anger issues? Yes, the act of destroying items is a major red flag. You need to reconsider being in this relationship if he:

• Throws plates on the floor
• Knocks things off tables
• Harms properties in fits of anger

21. Self-inflicted harm

Is the epitome of self-sabotaging behavior? To feel anger is human but how we deal with that anger is the contributing factor for our mental health. He’s definitely struggling with temper issues if he:

• Slits his wrists
• Slaps himself
• Pushes people away
• Is overly critical of himself

“For men with anger issues, you’re not really a person, you’re just their punching bag – a dump yard for all their emotional trauma,” says Kavita. The bottom line is, when a man raises his voice to a woman, it won’t be easy to put up with him. The more you cower down for the sake of keeping the peace, the bolder he will get. That’s why it’s imperative that you learn to find your lost voice and hold your ground once you’ve started seeing the signs a man has anger issues.

How To Deal With A Man With anger issues

“My husband has rage attacks. But I still have feelings for him and want to work on this relationship,” says Millie, a kindergarten teacher. Do you wish to give him one last chance before making the final call? We appreciate your patience and devotion but please ensure you are not damaging your own mental and physical health in the process. However, there are a few thoughtful steps on how to respond to anger:

1. Help him find out the reasons and triggers

When it comes to anger issues in men, it may not be always under their control to tame their beastly alter ego. Many internal and external factors might add up to transform him into the person that he is today – insensitive, rude, and a bit scary. The first step here should be to understand what causes anger issues.

Once you delve deeper into his triggers, you can find healthy ways to deal with the problem. Maybe his adverse childhood experiences have something to do with it:

• Was he a victim of emotional abuse/bullying/physical abuse as a child?
• Is he trying to cope with relationship anxiety issues?
• Is his anger a defense mechanism to make up for his low self-esteem?

2. Be compassionate

Love, patience, support, compassion – there are no better healing forces than these in the world. Seeing you standing by his side might give him the zeal to sincerely work on his shortcomings. Here’s how to deal with someone with anger issues:

• Offer your man a sweet dose of positive affirmation every day
• Try to convince him to engage in deeper conversations and be vulnerable about all his negative emotions
• Acknowledge his concerns no matter how trivial they seem to you

3. Encourage him to practice mindfulness

If you are dating a man with displaced anger childhood trauma, you may as well try to support him through the journey before you completely give up on him. Do you think he is willing to fix his temper issues? If yes, you both can take part in some mindful activities:

• Begin with journaling to help you keep a track of your emotions
• Taking long walks, hand in hand, might be a great way to reconnect after a big fight
• Soothing meditation sessions and breathing exercises are highly effective in channeling the pent-up rage

4. Walk out when the situation is out of control

“My husband takes anger out on me and it scares me,” says Lily, one of our readers from California, “Sometimes he becomes this whole different person, yelling at the top of his voice, throwing things at me. I feel so numb and helpless at the same time.” Lily, you don’t have to stand there and tolerate his erratic outburst until he calms down. Find a way to leave the house and reach a place where you can feel safe.

If your husband breaks things when angry, here’s what you should do:

• Keep a few domestic violence helpline numbers at hand
• Keep your friends and family informed about your condition
• You should walk out of that door for the time being when you see him losing control

5. Seek help NOW

If your husband loses temper over little things, there is a possibility that he will refuse to get help. In fact, most people don’t even acknowledge they have a problem. In most cases, this passive aggressive behavior has roots in past relationship problems/family problems while growing up. So, it’s best to get professional help. Skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel of experts are always here for you. Feel free to visit us anytime!

After going through the ebb and flow of negative emotions in relationships, would you date someone with anger issues? We hardly think so! Remember, you are not a doormat or a rehab center for men with anger issues. If he keeps refusing to change, it’s a good idea to keep your dignity and leave this toxic relationship. You deserve better. If the past year has been tough on you, it’s high time that you start living for yourself…

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