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Ah, the slow fade. One of the most unnerving things a guy can do to you in this modern dating age.
Perhaps you were dating a guy and everything seemed to be going well – so well you didn’t even notice he had gradually started contacting you less.
Or maybe you did noice – but it was easy to just brush it off since he actually was still in contact with you – somewhat.
And one day it dawns on you:
He just doesn’t seem the same anymore. Something’s different.
If you’ve ever been slow faded, you know how bad it feels. But what if you’re not entirely sure whether a guy is slow fading you?
After all, life is busy, complicated and difficult, and this fact alone can cause a guy to become less responsive, present and reliable at times. Isn’t that true?
It’s only true when it’s true.
Most of the time when someone truly wants to be with you, you’ll feel it in your gut. You won’t be having to question everything.
So let’s first define what slow fading is and then we’ll look at the signs a guy is doing the slow fade to help you be more sure of what’s happening.
By the way, would you like to find out how serious he is about you? You can find out with our free quiz:
Key Takeaways
- If you’re being slow faded, you’ll notice the guy gradually pulling away. Unlike ghosting which is when a guy suddenly vanishes from your life, slow fading is like a slow and painful death of the relationship.
- Some signs he is slow fading you include: shorter text messages, taking longer to respond, he’s “always busy”, always “working”, or always spending all his time with friends.
- In terms of what to do when he slow fades, you can choose between three options: walk away, test him or just ignore him.
What Is A Slow Fade In A Relationship?
The slow fade is a dating term. It is used to describe the action of one person in a relationship gradually pulling away from the other until the communication ceases completely.
Slow fading is a form of ghosting – it’s just not as sudden as ghosting. Some people call it ‘slow ghosting’.
It has been said that if ghosting is an abrupt end to a relationship, the slow fade is death by a thousand cuts.
But slow fading can also occur alongside some other irritating dating behaviors like benching and zombieing.
But the question is why?
Why choose to slow fade when you could just be honest with the woman?
Why Do Guys Do The Slow Fade? 5 Secret Reasons
This is important so listen up. Guys do the slow fade because it benefits them in some way. One of the biggest reasons is this:
1: He’s Keeping You Around
He wanted to keep all options open (he’s also benching you) just in case he needs you later on.
This may not be intuitive to you as a woman but for guys, keeping the possibility of having access to a woman open is more self serving than cutting her off completely.
That’s the essence of why guys slowly fade away. Having a difficult break up conversation forces them to have to cut you off completely and they don’t always like that, especially when they know it could mean that they get sex later down the road.
To learn more about this biological imperative in men, read my article on: Why Does He Keep Me Around When He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?
Also, did you know that there’s one specific emotional trigger within every man that makes him want to emotionally commit to you, worship you and take care of you for life?
2: They’re Not Confident They Can Have The Difficult Conversation And Do It Well
Why else do they do it?
For some guys, it’s because they’re deeply insecure and don’t trust themselves to go about the conversation confidently.
In these cases, it’s not that he’s a bad guy, it’s moreso that he has an intense need to not be seen as incapable, yet he doesn’t actually feel capable of conversing honestly (especially with a female).
As D.Shen, my husband often says, a lot of men are just really bad at conversing with women. They don’t know how to go about it and are afraid to completely fail at it.
MORE: How To Understand Men? 5 Insights On Men To Ease Your Worries.
It may sound ridiculous, but for a lot of guys, it’s absolutely true: they’re great at communicating with other guys – it’s intuitive to them.
But communicating to a woman about difficult things is foreign.
Does it excuse the behavior of a slow fader?
No.
But it’s important for you to know that this lack of intuitive comfort with communicating with a woman is always competing against his desire to be a good guy and end things in an open and honest manner.
Often honesty comes out the loser in the situation. (I am sorry to say though of course, as it’s not nice for you).
3: They’re Giving You The Same Opportunity
Another reason is because they want to give you a chance to fade out too.
They’re hoping that the lack of romantic interest is mutual and that you can both fade away amicably.
Wishful thinking in many cases of course, especially if you’ve slept together, but it’s a reason nonetheless.
Recommended reading: The Truth: What Men Are Looking For When They Push You For Sex.
4: They Want To Avoid Confrontation
One obvious reason someone becomes a slow fader is because they want to avoid confrontation.
There are men who want to avoid confrontation out of fear, and there are men who want to avoid confrontation in order to serve both of you.
Some men have been abused in the past and get very stressed and anxious at the thought of confronting someone, even with innocent intent.
Then there are the men who want to avoid confrontation because they understand that there’s a small chance things could end badly if they do that.
For example perhaps your feelings will be more intense that way, and it will lead to a full blown argument, or maybe you’ll even seek revenge on him.
Sometimes men just assume that not having a big conversation about it (even over text) allows for less residue bad feelings for both people.
5: They Don’t Want to Reveal Their True Intent
Look: for some men, dating is nothing but a game. And they’re right – dating is a game.
But some men take it very literally in that they want to game you. They don’t want to court you, nor do they have any real romantic interest in you.
What do I mean by the concept of a man not wanting to reveal his true intent?
I mean he’s not revealing his cards.
He wants to hide something.
Usually what he wants to hide is one or more of the following:
- The he’s seeing other women
- That he wants to bench you and still keep you around; or
- That his intent was never to make you his one and only right from the start
This is why it’s so important that you ensure you are a man’s one and only before getting too invested emotionally and sexually.
Now let’s look at the 8 signs a guy is doing the slow fade.
8 Illusive Signs A Guy Is Doing The Slow Fade
#1: He Takes More And More Time to Respond to Texts
If there ever were a sign that you’re no longer a priority, it’s this.
Once he may have prioritized responding to you ASAP, but now he doesn’t mind if it takes him 48 hours to respond to you.
If his response time has gone from minutes to days, that’s a definite sign he’s slow fading.
In some cases, the time between texts stretches from days to weeks or even months.
And then you have to consider the possibility that you’re also being breadcrumbed.
My advice?
Don’t make excuses for this behavior, which is very easy to do when you have nobody, and you feel lonely.
When you have absolutely nothing, crumbs start to look like a 5 course meal.
#2: His Communication Dwindles Down to Just Pleasantries
Often when someone is fading you out, their communication may go from romantic and enthusiastic to surface level pleasantries.
This is a way they can let you down slowly, hopefully without arousing too much suspicion or retaliation from you.
Here’s an example of this from a lady in our facebook group who finds herself getting slow faded a lot:
When a man’s communication diminishes from excited and interested to almost obligatory “nothing” small talk, that signals that he’s no longer interested.
Related: 8 No Bs Ways To Get Him Interested Again Fast.
Some guys may come across as more “fake” enthusiastic, and others will be clearly no longer putting in much effort (like in the example above).
If you find yourself confused, know that sometimes this confusion can be a way to sort of let you down slowly but still keep you in the background.
Remember if someone keeps you confused, they can make you less confrontational and decisive about your actions.
This deters you from demanding explanations from him.
How…umm….”smart” of him.
Recommended reading: 12 Reasons Guys Act Interested Then Back Off + What To Do.
#3: Your Gut Is Screaming At You
Often we ignore it, but when someone is fading you out, you’ll actually have a pretty acute knowingness in your gut.
This is a feeling that comes to you. It will dawn on you like the first ray of sunlight peeking over the horizon.
Even if it comes a little later than when he first decided to slow fade you.
This is the moment you’ve been waiting for – the honest answer that a guy couldn’t tell you by himself.
And you should listen to it. You’re not dumb – neither were your ancestors – and they are coming together to send you the message that there’s something you need to be aware of.
If you ignore it, you might prolong your own suffering.
#4: Their Answers Are Shorter
Look for the change in enthusiasm. If he used to talk about how much he looked forward to seeing you and now he’s sending glib texts or just emojis, something is up.
Often guys who are trying really hard to woo you in the beginning will send longer texts, use more praise and compliments, and totally sweep you off your feet.
But that energy cannot be sustained long term. And he was only doing it to capture your affection, attention and yes, perhaps even your body.
Now that he got what he wanted and he is no longer interested, he might just gradually reduce the effort he puts into communicating with you while he’s off doing other things.
#5: You’ve Been Reduced To Exclusively Social Media Interactions
A guy who is doing a slow disappearing act may eventually downgrade you from voice calls, in person dates and regular texts to only social media interactions.
And I’m not talking about private messaging you on instagram or snapchat, I’m talking about just liking your stuff and liking a story of yours here and there.
It might feel like getting attention on social media means he’s interested – but it doesn’t mean he’s really interested.
It means he’s keeping you around as an option.
It’s insulting, and you should treat it as such.
I don’t mean confront him and abuse him. I mean show him that you will not be treated that way by either:
- Paying it no mind; or
- Simply removing him as a follower
#6: He Doesn’t Make Concrete Plans Anymore
If you try to suggest things to do together or discuss future plans, he always has other things to do or places to be.
If he’s always on the cusp of availability, it often means he doesn’t actually want to be available.
He might send vague messages about his plans or whereabouts, but it’s never anything promising. A lack of desire to make concrete plans with you is a classic sign you’re dealing with a slow fader.
If you’re lucky, you might get the “I’m out with the crew tonight but drinks soon ok?” or “I’m working tonight but maybe next weekend?”
If you’re not as lucky, you might get a “nice” text back, but no attempt to make plans at all, like in this example below (the lady is in the very first message and the guy in the second):
Often men will also say “work is so busy” or they’ve been “caught up at work”. Work is the classic excuse of a slow fader and if you want to know the perfect response, check out D.Shen (my husband’s) advice to a woman in this situation in this example:
Now:
A man might deny that he’s fading slowly if you confront him, but of course he will. He doesn’t want to be caught out.
There are exceptions to this, I am sure.
But you have to take his actions as they are for the sake of your mental and emotional health.
#7: He Totally Love Bombed You
So one early sign of future slow fading that we haven’t discussed yet is love bombing.
Obviously this isn’t a direct sign of slow fading, as love bombing happens before any of the slow fading.
But it’s a predictor of possible slow fading, because slow fading is often preceeded by undercurrents of insincerity.
Just in case you don’t know what love bombing is, it’s the act of showering you with attention, romantic gestures, gifts and a kind of sweeping you off your feet that feels “too good to be true”.
It happens during the early stages of dating and catches tonnes of women off guard til this day.
It’s one of the biggest red flags in men and I recommend you be very smart, prepared and resourceful when dating in order to not fall for it.
Obviously it’s a big discussion regarding what it means to be smart, prepared and resourceful, and it’s beyond the scope of this article, but here’s another article I wrote that will give you all you need to start:
5 GIANT Red Flags In Men To NEVER Ignore.
8: Crippling Anxiety Has Crept Up On You
If you’re always anxious like many women out there, you may not see this as a big sign of the slow fade dating phenomenon, but it can be a sign.
It’s not a clear sign because it’s subjective, but if this occurs along with all the other signs above, then you might be dealing with a slow fade.
Your anxiety is yet another signal that your relationship is threatened and it needs your attention.
The only thing is that often with a slow fade, your anxiety will manifest as super duper triple hypervigilance.
In other words, your mind and your nervous system will go into overdrive, trying to get you to do something to save your relationship or what you once had.
But consider this:
What if you never really had anything to begin with?
It’s a horrible thought, but a necessary one.
Also, I recommend you find out your own attachment style if you’d like to avoid these situations in the future.
The reason is because the more anxious you are, the less likely you are to be able to detect the early signs of a bad catch.
At least if you know your own attachment style, you can manage your own anxiety and try to focus on testing the men you date, as well as assessing situations more objectively.
You can find out your core attachment style with our specially crafted quiz!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
MORE: How To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment In 2 Easy Steps.
This topic of anxiety leads us to the very necessary conversation: overthinking. Specifically, is it a slow fade or overthinking?
Is It A Slow Fade Or Overthinking?
If we look at the definition of overthinking, it helps to determine whether he’s slow fading or whether you’re just overanalyzing things.
Overthinking means:
“Overthinking is when you dwell on or worry about the same thing repeatedly. People who overthink can be paralyzed by their worries and may struggle to make decisions or take action.”
Essentially, if you have anxiety in general, there’s a good chance you’re overthinking everything. Because that’s your pattern regardless of being slow faded or not.
And that means you’re going to struggle to make a decision on what to do about being faded out by a man.
At the same time, dealing with a slow fader can totally create unhinged anxiety within you, leading to obsessive overthinking.
How to fix this?
There are two things you can do:
- Test his intentions by sending him this one phrase and see how he responds to it. If he goes into denial or becomes defensive, that’s a warning signal that he’s not serious about you. If he reassures you and makes an active physical effort to make amends, that might mean he was just genuinely overwhelmed or super busy.
- Wait it out while managing your anxiety. Use this as an opportunity to learn how to self soothe your anxiety. It might be hard, but it will be a great opportunity for you to have practice at becoming more emotionally resourceful as a woman.
Do guys come back after the slow fade?
They might. Especially if they haven’t found their one and only woman to be with for life.
It’s entirely within the realm of possibility because of what I mentioned before: it serves men to keep a woman around.
MORE: Will He Come Back? 10 Signs He Will + 1 Low Value Mistake.
How To Respond to A Slow Fade?
1: If the message is clear, then walk away.
If you see most of the signs above, then chances are that he is slow fading you and that means he’s not committed to you at all.
Even if you still hope to rekindle things with this guy, it’s best not to let him just keep you in the background.
You have to send the message loud and clear with your actions that it’s all or nothing with you.
2: Test, test and test some more!
If you’re not seeing all the signs of a slow fade or you’re not entirely sure you should just move on, there’s one last thing you can do: test!
All it has to be is this simple, high value one phrase text. (CLICK to Learn the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!)
For more help on how to test his intentions, read this article on 5 Revealing Questions To Ask A Guy To Know His Intentions.
3: Should you ignore the slow fader?
You can. It’s not a bad idea – but not to gain power. Moreso to honor your own time and energy.
If someone is going to treat you as an option, then you have every reason to either walk away or ignore them completely.
Ignoring them would also mean to cut them off, yes.
It’s ok to cut a guy off. He’s not the last guy on earth, remember that.
There’s no shortage of men in the world who want to meet you. If you remember that, it might make it a little easier to zoom out and get some perspective on the situation.
MORE: How To Tell What A Guy Wants From You [2 Hidden Strategies].
A Few More Words On Slow Fading
Dating is tough in this digital age, but there’s something very positive about it also…
There are more options available to you, and if you do online dating the right way, you can have all the high value men you wish to be putty in your hands.
How?
Simple:
- By weeding out the low quality men fast, and
- by building emotional attraction with men immediately
If you focus on these two actions, you will find your one and only much faster, and you’ll see that the men you go on dates with are actually much higher quality. They won’t be the types of men who waste your time.
The best way to accomplish these two things is to use high value banter to weed out the flaky, toxic men and the men who aren’t wanting to attune to you.
If you’re wondering how high value banter can accomplish this, it’s because banter is playful and spontaneous and it introduces this uncertainty into the interactions.
This uncertainty can only be matched by the men who are truly willing to make the effort to connect with you and attune to you.
Furthermore, toxic men do not last long with banter – if at all. It’s because they need control, and the banter completely throws them off this ability to control you.
So here’s what I recommend.
Take my husband’s free class on high value banter. You won’t regret it:
“Online Dating” has completely changed! CLICK to Learn Why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” to quickly weed out the weak and create emotional chemistry with the “BEST of MEN”!
(…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and duds!)
MORE: Online Dating Vs Real Life Dating; 3 Reasons Online Is Better For Women.
Now, if you have any questions about anything I’ve written, please leave them in the comments below.
Got any sign of slow fading you could share with me and other women reading this? Please do so in the comments below! Your comments help other women immensely!
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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