Dirty Talk Advice ColumnFew things are as frustrating as having a goal and being unable to reach it, particularly when people all around you appear to be reaching it with relative ease. If the desired goal is in regards to our own bodies, and our flesh is refusing to cooperate while we see others seemingly achieve it effortlessly? That can sting. And sharply.

Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who has been striving for a specific goal for a number of years now, without any success. Do they have a chance of landing it? What are the roadblocks? Can the Dirty Talk advice column help? Maybe. Multiple. And yes. In that order. Let’s get started!

“I have been trying something for a number of years now, without success, and I figured you would be the person to ask–no matter what I try, I can’t seem to achieve prostate climax. Do you have any suggestions or advice? What is it that I am doing wrong?”–Can’t Get No Satisfaction

What are you doing wrong? You’re not necessarily doing anything wrong. If you’ve been trying for a number of years now without any success, you might never achieve one. Bodies and bodily responses come in a wide variety, and there is no one guaranteed technique that is going to elicit the same response in everyone. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Orgasms Are Never Guaranteed

Orgasm Not GuaranteedOrgasms are not a guaranteed thing. They’re a very fun thing, but they are never a guaranteed thing. The harder we try to achieve one, the more elusive it can become. When our goal is to climax, and we are super focused on that specific goal, we can find orgasms as hard to pin down as a cat hunting a laser pointer. No matter what we try, the finish line remains frustratingly out of reach, dancing away from us over and over again.

The truth is that there is a wide variety of orgasms to be had—squirting orgasms, anal orgasms, mental orgasms, G-spot orgasms, full body orgasms, pain-induced orgasms, and people can even have orgasms while giving birth! With such an extensive list, it can of course be frustrating when you go to pick a prostate orgasm off the sexy time shelf and it refuses to get into your basket. All around you are people raving about how great it is and your fingers can’t even grasp it.

A good way to look at it would be to think of one of your guaranteed mind-blowing moves, something you have used on previous partners so effectively their brains melt into a little puddle of blissful goo and their eyes glaze over…did it work exactly the same on every person you’ve ever been with? Is there one guaranteed move that will, across the board, make every single person you hook up with a babbling undone mess of dopamine? Of course not. Because there’s no one move that works on everybody and has guaranteed results.

You Might Never Achieve A Prostate Orgasm

Focusing On Prostate OrgasmThat isn’t how bodies work. Never has been, and it never will be. Your best bet is to make peace with the fact that you might never achieve a prostate orgasm. Once you have made your peace with that fact, take the goal of a p-spot orgasm off the sexy time table. Stop striving for a specific outcome and instead approach the experience with the mindset of simply having some fun.

You would be surprised how much easier some things can be to achieve when we aren’t trying to specifically achieve them. Rather than constantly trying to arrive at a specific destination, enjoy the journey. Think of it as self-care time and getting to know your body better. Find out what feels good. Learn what feels relaxing. Discover what makes your brain go blank. Do that. I would even go so far as to tell yourself that you’re not allowed to orgasm. Take the orgasm goal so completely off the table that you can’t even see it as a goal.

Relieve The Pressure Of Orgasming

Prostate Orgasm StressOnce the pressure of a specific outcome is no longer looming over you and you are simply approaching the process as some relaxing self-care time, you just might find that long elusive orgasm decides to jump off the shelf and into your basket after all. But only maybe. The other possibility is that it is never going to happen. Just like some women spend their whole life chasing squirting G-spot orgasms and never achieve them, some men can spend years trying to have a prostate orgasm without success.

I can give you all sorts of specific techniques, I’m even in a Vice article about how to achieve prostate orgasms, but all the techniques in the world can’t guarantee the outcome you want. If you fail to achieve a prostate orgasm are you going to stop trying? Or might you consider it a self-soothing activity that can relax? Pleasure for the simple sake of pleasure? I recommend the latter, personally. More journey, less destination. Try it and see what happens. Best of luck Can’t!

Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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Rain DeGrey

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