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It’s bewildering when a guy acts interested then backs off.
You go from being showered with attention to nothing. Nada.
Where’d he go?
It can leave you wondering: was it all fake? What did he really want? Did I do something wrong? And will he be back?
Don’t worry too much, because I’m going to give you all the answers to why guys act interested then pull away.
Let’s get into it.
Why Do Guys Act So Interested Then Pull Away?
- You weren’t the one and only, you were the “one of many”
- The mystery was lost when you returned interest and attention
- He has a work or family life
- He’s in a different masculine “mode”
- You didn’t reciprocate his interest enough so he pulled away
- He found another woman who interests him (or who might be easier)
- He sensed low value behaviors in you and was turned off
- His insecurities were triggered
- He has intimacy issues (avoidant attachment style)
- There’s no emotional attraction to bind you two together
- He was love bombing you
- He is a hot and cold guy
As you can see, there’s a number of possible reasons why a guy would act interested and then pull away (or lose interest).
So let’s talk more about each of these reasons now.
When A Guy Acts Interested And Then Backs Off: Why?
#1: You Weren’t The One And Only, You Were The “One of Many”
If you’ve been following me for years already, chances are you’ve already heard of this concept.
But if you haven’t – here’s the deal:
When a guy meets you and looks to date you, he places you in one of two categories (never both).
The first category is the “one and only” category.
If you’re in this category, it means he sees you as a woman with whom he is willing (and deeply inspired) to commit to. And that’s emotionally, physically and mentally.
He will treat you as that one precious woman with whom he doesn’t hesitate to share his life with, because he’s deeply romantically in love.
And once you’re in this category, it’s hard to get out.
(Not that you want to get out as a woman, as this is the most favourable category for you, generally speaking).
Most women prefer to be in this category, unless they’re just looking for attention, money and company.
The second category is the “one of many” category, and when you’re in this category, it means basically what it says – you’re one of many women in his life.
Even if you’re the only woman he’s seeing – you’re still in the one of many category, which means there’s little difference between you and any other woman he could date or have sex with.
And you’ll feel this through the crumbs he gives you, as well as the lack of emotional commitment.
He just won’t cherish you, and you’ll know it in your gut when you’re in this category.
So when a guy acts interested then backs off, it very well could be that you were in the one of many category.
Essentially, he wasn’t invested emotionally, he didn’t see you as his one and only, so it’s easy for him to leave.
Now:
Here’s a little advice from me, if you’ll allow me.
Try not to fall into the one of many category IF (yes, if) you want to get into a committed relationship.
It’s not worth the wasted time, energy nor heartache.
If you want to ensure you never end up in this category with any man in the future, you should check out the 5 feminine secrets I teach in my popular course “Becoming His One and Only”.
(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
#2: The Mystery Was Lost When You Returned Interest And Attention
This has a lot more to do with the way you reciprocate interest (and the emotional place your actions come from) than it does with the action of reciprocating interest in itself.
Simply put, it’s more than ok to reciprocate a man’s interest in you, but if you do it from a place of desperation or lack (ie: you act as though attention from men is rarer than spotting a unicorn in the wild), this causes issues.
You’re not wrong, bad or unworthy if you do this, so don’t worry.
It’s not about getting anxious about this, it’s more about understanding where our actions come from.
But if you’re sure that you’re pretty esteemed, calibrated and attuned, you have nothing to worry about.
The thing is, if we return interest out of over-eagerness, the mystery disappears, and when the mystery disappears, so does the emotional and physical attraction.
MORE: How to Create Emotional Attraction With A Man: Game Changer.
If you want to reciprocate interest or tell a guy you like him, I recommend doing it intelligently (with a bit of push and pull), to increase the romantic tension and attraction.
Here are 3 Low Risk and High Value Ways to Tell A Guy You Like Him.
#3: He Has A Work Or Family Life
When a guy acts interested then backs off, it could simply be because he has a life.
He has responsibilities, goals to accomplish, or people to feed and please.
Pretty simple.
So if you’re wondering, why do guys chase you and then back off, it could just be because he can’t sustain chasing you for that long.
If you’d like more certainty around how likely he is to commit to you in the future, you can take our quick and easy quiz to find out for sure.
#4: He’s In A Different Masculine “Mode”
In my article on the 18 ways to become more soft and feminine, I contrast masculine and feminine energy, and I explain how the masculine energy is compartmentalized and focused on one thing at a time.
What this means is when a man chases you hard or comes on really strong, he’s focused on getting your attention and securing your interest.
Once that has been either achieved or a more urgent issue requires his attention, it will seem like he suddenly disappeared.
Related: Why He TALKED Marriage and Babies With You, Then Disappeared
So don’t think it’s just about you or that you did something wrong.
Sometimes it’s just that he’s in a different mode now.
#5: You Didn’t Reciprocate His Interest Enough So He Pulled Away
Either through the need to stay in control or look cool, some women don’t reciprocate a man’s interest naturally.
The dangers of following bad (yet popular) dating advice out there that tells you to lean right back, that you cannot initiate, and that the man must “lead”, is exactly this: that he will back off.
He will feel like you aren’t interested, so why bother anymore?
Why would he spend the energy on a woman who seems hesitant to connect, interact and build a genuine connection with him?
Worse still, some women think that a man should put in 80% effort while the woman puts in only 20%.
Here’s why that could make you lose him.
And if you’re interested in whether you should lean back and let him pursue you or not, I’d check out the 9 Dangers of Leaning Back And Why It’s NOT Feminine.
#6: He Found Another Woman Who Is Easier
You can’t compete with a woman who is offering the goods up without much resistance.
If a man senses he’s going to have an easier time getting sex from another woman who’s also attractive, he’s going to focus his energy on her instead.
…Unless you’re the one and only.
See how important it is to ensure you end up in the “one and only” woman basket?
#7: He Sensed Low Value Behaviours In You And It Turned Him Off
Let’s face it, sometimes people just turn us off (men or women), and though we like to think of ourselves as “high value”, sometimes we don’t act that way.
It’s not your fault. It’s actually sometimes the fact that we just don’t understand how some behaviors may come across as low value to men.
And it’s the same if you reverse the situation and look at how men behave towards women, right?
For some reason, some men think it’s awesome to send a dick pick early on after meeting you – and they really think this is of value to you.
But it’s not.
It almost never is; not in the beginning and mostly not until he’s earned your trust in a committed relationship.
So:
Women also unknowingly act in low value ways that turn men off, unintentionally and to no fault of their own.
This is why it helps to understand what men perceive as valuable.
It also helps if you can understand the common low value behaviors of women.
In fact…There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#8: His Insecurities Were Triggered
Some guys may pursue you hard and then back off because they feel bad about the way they acted, or because they don’t want to risk looking like a creep (or desperate).
Perhaps they’re embarrassed about something they did, or if you slept together, he might be regretting that decision, due to doubts about his performance or about himself in general.
A man could also feel judged by you (or fear being judged).
There’s a possibility you may have said something that made him feel more insecure as well.
Even if you didn’t mean to trigger his insecurities, when a guy is insecure, he’s insecure.
He’ll be much more easily triggered than a highly esteemed, securely attached guy.
#9: He Has Intimacy Issues (Avoidant Attachment Style)
When a guy acts interested then backs off, it could also be that he is afraid of intimacy or has an avoidant attachment style (also called dismissive avoidant).
Related: 4 Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships & Which One’s Yours?
At the risk of sounding trite, all men seek sex (unless he’s a monk), so even an insecurely attached man with an avoidant attachment style will pursue you hard.
He will do that to see if he can get your number, your attention, or get into your panties.
I’m not trying to paint men as creatures who only want one thing, because they truly don’t (and here are 3 reasons why every man secretly loves to commit.)
But when it comes to avoidant men or even anxiously attached men, they will generally still need sex with a woman but avoid getting too emotionally close.
They may want to be intimate with you emotionally, but every time they try, they’re confronted with either:
- The feeling that they’re unworthy
- Their fear of getting too close; and
- Extreme internal anxiety and stress that they want to avoid feeling
It’s not impossible to have a relationship with a man who has an avoidant or anxious attachment style.
They’re not always completely defective or hopeless, but they will:
By the way, would you like to find out what your own attachment style is?
You can find out for yourself with our women-specific quiz:
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
#10: There’s No Emotional Attraction to Bind You Two Together
If a man doesn’t feel emotionally attracted to you, chances are he will leave at some point.
Interest is not enough. It’s worth nothing, honestly.
A man’s interest will still make him come on strong, but the attention and love won’t last, and he won’t be devoted to you emotionally.
MORE: 3 Reasons You Should Worry If He Comes on Strong.
So you always need to be mindful of how emotionally attracted he is to you.
Not of how much attention he’s giving you or how much he’s complimenting you, but how emotionally attracted he is to you.
Because if there’s no emotional attraction, there’s no commitment.
In terms of emotional attraction, there’s one specific emotional trigger that can make him feel deeply emotionally attracted to you (and want to commit to you).
#11: He Was Love Bombing You
Lots of toxic, manipulative men out there will shower you with lots of gifts, attention, and round the clock communication in the beginning.
You will feel like the most attractive, special Goddess in the entire world.
You will think that he does this because you’re so desirable and he wants you so badly.
This is almost never real, and is especially not real if you feel like it’s too much.
…And it’s designed to throw you off the scent.
What scent?
The scent of insincerity.
Sincerity is almost always gradual and proportional.
But if a man is giving you so much attention, praise, contact, validation and gifts that it’s overwhelming, it can suck you right into the trap.
Read more about love bombing in my husband’s article here.
So be careful, and make sure you’re not so “weak” and desperate for attention that you’ll fall into the trap of a narcissist.
When a guy acts interested then backs off, there’s a chance it could be because he’s seriously toxic.
Recommended: 8 Unusual Red Flags In Men You Should NEVER Ignore.
#12: He Is A Hot And Cold Guy
Some guys will act really interested and then pull back because their pattern with women is to go hot and cold.
What is a hot and cold guy?
It’s a guy who feels so warm and attentive towards you one day, and seems distant, cold like a stranger the next.
Here’s a video my husband and I made on the 9 Shocking Reasons Why Men Go Hot And Cold:
Watch the video to discover more about this phenomenon of guys going hot and cold, and if you think this might be your guy, try to list down the most relevant reasons that apply to you.
Then you can get clearer on what steps you should take moving forward.
What Are the Signs He’s Lost Interest In You?
To be sure of what it looks like when a guy loses interest, here are the top signs he’s lost interest in you.
#1: He Friend Zones You
If a guy is actively ensuring that you stay nothing more than friends, he’s not interested anymore, or he wants to pursue someone else.
Being stuck in the friend zone is a good indicator of his lack of interest (or that he’s lost interest after initially pursuing you).
There are ways to get out of the friend zone though, and here are the steps to do it.
#2: He Avoids Getting Too Close To You
If a guy is seemingly willing to talk to you but won’t discuss certain topics, won’t give you information about his whereabouts, his activities or his life, he doesn’t want to get close to you again.
And he’s likely lost interest.
He may not want to lead you on, either.
So don’t get too angry or vengeful, because he may think he’s doing a good thing by giving you the hints without causing too much trauma or damage.
#3: He Flirts With Other Women
If a guy is flirting with other women when he’s with you or if he ignores you in public in order to pay attention to another girl, then it’s obvious his interest has waned.
(Or that he would rather spend energy pursuing another girl.)
Do you feel sad or disrespected? Good, because that’s your signal to move right on.
#4: You Just Feel It
Often times when a guy loses interest, you can feel it in your gut, but you may ignore it because it’s too painful to acknowledge.
But it’s ok, really.
Men lose interest for a multitude of reasons, and every man is so different in his upbringing, his values and his lifestyle.
He may also have overwhelming challenges or even trauma in his life that make him feel so unworthy that it strips away his interest (as feeling unworthy can do!)
What You Can Do When He Backs Off
#1: You Can Pull Away Too
…Not out of spite, but out of attunement to the situation (and out of self respect!)
If you’re still really in love with this guy, then he’s how to pull away in a way that will make him want you.
#2: Stay High Value
Always keep your value as a woman. What does this mean?
It means to hold yourself as a high value woman, and don’t act like he owes you something.
Because if interest was all he ever showed you (and never any real commitment), then he really doesn’ owe you anything.
#3: Work out Whether You’re The One of Many or The One And Only
Remember the first point above from why guys act interested then back off?
Remember that you are placed in either one of two categories when a man meets you.
So work out which category you’re in, and if you know you’re in the “one of many” category, then move right along.
Unless you’re ok with being given the bare minimum of attention and time from a man, which some women are of course.
You may be in a stage of your life where surface attention, non committal sex and unreliable commitment is ok for you.
If that’s ok, then sure, you’re free to choose what’s best for you.
But if your heart wants more (if you want to be the one and only and nothing less), then move along.
Even though there’s a small chance you could be re-categorized as the “one and only”, you want to be realistic.
You need to remind yourself that the chances aren’t high that you’ll be re-categorized.
Again, if you want to ensure you’ll be in every man’s one and only basket in the future, check out my program “Becoming His One And Only”.
(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
#4: Accept What Is
Have the courage to accept what is. You cannot control everything, especially when it comes to men, and other people.
The more you try to control the things you cannot control, the more it eats away at the energy you need for the things you can actually control (or influence).
#5: Remember That Interest Is Worth Nothing
A man’s interest is not worth much.
For you it’s good in the sense that it gives you an ego boost and some excitement in your life.
But that’s all it is.
And the interest can disappear as fast as it comes.
It’s not a super glue. It’s not real commitment.
So let it go!
Let go of his past interest and learn not to be attached to something so worthless and short-lived.
Instead, attach yourself to a man who sees you as his one and only.
Final Words
It’s never easy to lose a man’s attention, but you’re not the only one this has happened to, and you won’t be the last.
See it as something that happens to all women, no matter how sexy they are.
Because that’s the truth.
As I mentioned, his interest isn’t worth much. So even though you should honor your feelings of sadness, know that as a woman you’ll only truly find happiness with a man when he’s truly emotionally committed to you.
All the best, and don’t forget to take our free quiz on how commitment friendly he is.
By the way, if you have any thoughts to share, leave them in the comments below! I always read my comments here on the blog.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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