While #Arrestmas did not actually give way to Donald Trump’s arrest, Jimmy Kimmel’s got plenty of jokes to hold us over until the ex-president is actually indicted for his role in a 2016 hush money scheme. The host spit barbs about Stormy Daniels, the border wall, and Celebrity Apprentice during his monologue last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Kimmel quipped that the US is on day eight of “to catch a president,” noting that Trump has avoided getting indicted because the Manhattan grand jury on the case is on a two-week recess. “Some experts believe that it’s possible the grand jury may already have voted to indict Donald Trump, but that the Manhattan DA is slow-walking it to give him time to make preparations for his arrest,” said Kimmel. “Whereas others are saying it’s possible—and this is pretty crazy—that Donald Trump died two years ago and we’re all being haunted by his ghost.”
The comedian went on to lambast “the star-spangled tanner” and his recent social media post praising the grand jury for taking its sweet time. “THE GRAND JURY IS SAYING, HOLD ON, WE ARE NOT A RUBBER STAMP, WHICH MOST GRAND JURIES ARE BRANDED AS BEING, WE ARE NOT GOING TO VOTE AGAINST A PREPONDERANCE OF EVIDENCE OR AGAINST LARGE NUMBERS OF LEGAL SCHOLARS ALL SAYING THERE IS NO CASE HERE,” wrote Trump in all-caps. “DROP THIS SICK WITCH HUNT, NOW!”
“If that isn’t the saddest damn thing I have ever read,” said Kimmel. “The great and powerful Donald Trump, weakly kissing the all-caps asses of people he will never meet in a last-ditch hope he might somehow flatter them just enough they’ll let him off the hook. I haven’t seen anything this pathetic since he asked Stormy to spank him with a Forbes magazine.”
Kimmel shared that before its hiatus, the grand jury met and heard testimony from National Enquirer publisher and Trump friend David Pecker, who may be the last witness in the case. “[It’s] kind of poetic if you think about it,” said Kimmel. “This started with a pecker, and now it might end with one.”
“How great would it be if, in the end, Trump has to flee to Mexico and crashes into that wall that he built?” quipped Kimmel.
Rather than going directly to jail, Trump went directly to Fox News and sat for a two-part interview with his friend Sean Hannity, in which he proclaimed that every presidential candidate should have to submit to a cognitive test. “I think somebody running for president taking a cognitive test—you know, they do it in China. But it’s done a different way,” said Trump. “They have a caste system, and the smartest person gets to the top.”
Kimmel quickly corrected the record. “That’s not at all how it works in China,” Kimmel said, shaking his head. “Not even remotely close. He clearly doesn’t know what a caste system is.” He then broke into a Trump impersonation, reimagining Trump’s time back in the TV boardroom. “Well, that’s how we did it on Celebrity Apprentice,” joked Kimmel. “I’d say, ‘Who should we cast?’ And they’d say, ‘Gary Busey’s available.’ And I’d say, ‘Perfect, put him in the system.’”