Dirty Talk Advice ColumnThe grass, they say, is always greener on the other side. When looking around at what we have right in front of us, it can be easy to believe that it is disappointing—we can do better somewhere else. Those far-off pastures seem so vibrant, so fresh, while our own well-trod enclosures feel stale. Sometimes we simply can not bear it anymore, and we make a break for those greener pastures. Surely things will be better, right? Surely.

Sometimes that is the case. But often, once we are standing in those newer pastures, we realize they are not quite as green as they appeared to us in the distance. What seemed like such a better deal is actually not and we find ourselves longing for those old familiar pastures again. Such is the case with FWB, who is wondering about closing back up their marriage. How does one get back to how things used to be? Let’s find out!

“I have been with my wife for 12 years now, and to be honest, things were becoming a bit stale and I was starting to resent my wife, even though I love her. I felt like an open relationship was necessary if my marriage was going to survive. Even though my wife was initially against it, after a few discussions she agreed.

I had a co-worker that had been flirting with me and we started hooking up and having fun. Everything was going great–until she got laid off and had to move out of state. I joined a bunch of dating apps to find someone new, but nothing has come of it so far. Meanwhile my wife has found a regular FWB and sees them all the time. I didn’t realize how hard it is to meet new women. I want our relationship to go back to how it was. I love my wife! How do I convince her to be monogamous with me again?”–Found Wide-Open Bothersome

Oh FWB. You are in the middle of a classic case of: “made your bed and now have to lie in it.” If it helps any, the situation you currently find yourself in isn’t all that unusual. I have encountered it many times as an educator. In the middle of a long-term relationship, it is perfectly understandable to feel that things have become stale and to believe that changing the dynamic is what is necessary for it to continue.

I’ve Only Ever Seen Men Regret Opening A Relationship

Regret Open RelationshipPeople of any gender or orientation can tell their partner that their relationship needs to be opened in order for it to survive. However, to date, I’ve only encountered men that regret insisting on such a thing after the fact. While I always strive to make the advice I give to be gender-neutral so that it can apply to as many people as possible, the pickle you are currently in I have ever only seen go one way.

Opening up a relationship is generally something that one person is more insistent about than the other. The less willing partner can agree with reluctance, simply because they don’t want the relationship to end and they have been provided with an ultimatum they feel they have little say in. Having both partners equally enthusiastic about opening up a relationship goes a long way in lessening potentially hurt feelings.

Finding Interested Partners Can Be Challenging

FWB WantedInsisting on opening up a relationship is all well and good, but many men seem to underestimate how challenging it can be to find no strings attached partners who are willing to have fun with someone already in a pre-existing relationship. They are convinced that there will be a wide range of FWB types out there for the picking but find the reality somewhat different than they were expecting.

Women, on the other hand, are rarely going to find a shortage of men interested in engaging in an FWB situation. If I were to hazard a guess, you probably were as insistent as you were about opening up the relationship because an FWB, your co-worker, was standing there right in front of you. The FWB getting laid off and moving out of state was not part of your plan and you underestimated how hard it would be to find a replacement for her.

Don’t Be Surprised If Your Partner Wants To Keep The Relationship Open

Open Relationship SignBecause you can’t find anyone new, you now want to undo things and go back to how they used to be, but you cannot unring the bell. You would be asking your wife to give up an FWB situation that appears to be working well for her. You can tell her that you want to go back to a monogamous relationship, but the optics of such a request only after your sure thing fun time person moved away and you have failed to find a replacement will not look good.
Can you request your marriage to close back up and for your wife to kick her FWB to the curb? Yes, you can. Will she agree to do so? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. The bigger question at play here is what are you going to do if your wife is unwilling to go back to monogamy? Because such a thing is not outside the realm of possibility. You told her that your marriage needed to be open in order to survive and despite her original reluctance, she agreed to those terms. Now she is finding out that those terms are actually working for her and she may not want to go back.

Be honest with her and tell her that you aren’t happy with an open marriage after all. That is all you can do. But don’t be surprised if you can not get that horse back in the barn. After a taste of fresh pasture, it may find those new pastures suit it just fine.

Keep it Kinky My Friends,

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Rain DeGrey

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