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The cold light of day turns the fevered embraces of the night before into shocked disgust. The things that turn us on, the ones that get us really hot and flustered, can swiftly turn repulsive once we come back to our senses. The manic submissive sexual headspace so easily reached is suddenly, abruptly, gone, leaving behind distaste in its wake.
While anyone can roundly reject the things that arouse them once they are no longer turned on, male submissives can have a particularly quick turnaround time from “hot!” to “not!” Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader with a partner that is dropping out of headspace immediately after playtime. How immediately? In seconds. Which leaves scene wrap-up challenging. How does one stay in a submissive mindset long enough to end a scene to everyone’s satisfaction? Let’s find out!
“My Pet and I have a Domme/Sub relationship that really only exists in the bedroom and we both have switch tendencies. At the end of the scene, if my submissive has the pleasure of “finishing” he immediately loses all interest in any of the power dynamic that was there just seconds before, where as I, often times would like to keep the scene going at long enough to least to get him to clean up, or thank me – We would both really like to get to a point where he can lick his cum off whatever it was he got to finish on, but he gets out of subspace so quickly, it nearly revolts him, and that doesn’t make it fun for me to force him to do something like that.
Because he loses interest, it makes me lose self confidence to keep him in the power dynamic. Do you have any advice?”–Easily Lost Submissive Attitude
There’s A Reason For So Many Caged Submissives
I used to have a submissive with the exact same problem—it was like the second he came, he came to his senses. He would go from the most submissive kitten to completely uninterested as if I had flipped a light switch. Losing headspace after orgasm is a common enough situation that many male submissives take those distracting orgasms right off the table.
Ever wonder why there are so many oral-service chastity-caged orgasm denied/delayed submissives out there? Like your pet, they realized that once they came, they were no longer in that delicious submissive headspace. That headspace is so sweet that they chose to forgo or delay orgasms in order to stay in it.
In your case, it sounds like him having orgasms is desirable at times and part of the play that the two of you engage in. In the heat of the moment, the idea of cleaning up the mess he made is sizzling hot. Once he has cum, that puddle of baby batter loses its appeal at the speed of light. All the sexy drains out of the room and is replaced with awkward. Nobody wants that.
What Is His Relationship With His Ejaculate?
You actually have a number of options here. The first thing is to take the time to truly unpack his relationship with his own ejaculate. Have the two of you discussed why he is revolted at his own ejaculate? Your letter doesn’t specify, so I don’t know if you have ever swallowed his cum or if that is not part of your D/s dynamic. If sometimes you swallow but he can’t, no, won’t, that is a discussion that needs to be had.
Even if your D/s dynamic means that you have never been in a position to swallow his cum and thus his noping out isn’t as egregious, you two still need to unpack why the hot activity so suddenly becomes so unpleasant. Let him know that you are a safe space and be willing to work with him to process why he has such strong feelings over the situation.
Talk In A Neutral Environment
Make sure when you have the conversation, it isn’t while the two of you are eyeballing a fresh puddle of cum. Be fully dressed and in a safe, comfortable environment. It is always best to have conversations about potentially complex things not right in the middle of the complex thing. And hey, even after a good conversation, he might not ever be able to fully articulate why his mind is throwing up roadblocks at him. The answer might be that he doesn’t know the answer.
If that is the case, then further unpacking is still needed. It isn’t fair to YOU to keep engaging in this hot sexy time talk and when it comes time to actually do the thing walk away from the table. That is sending you mixed messages and causing you enough distress that you have written to me seeking advice. Either follow through with the activity or stop fantasizing about it. Leaving you hanging in an unaddressed puddle of cum isn’t a good situation to be in.
While he may never be able to come to terms with how quickly he loses submissive headspace after orgasming, the very least he can do is be willing to work on his communication around the matter. Creating a situation where he repeatedly nopes out of something he was passionately declaring he wanted to do just seconds earlier can make it much harder for you to feel confident in YOUR Dominant headspace.
Are You Sure This Is 100% Something He Wants To Do?
If you are 100% that he is as equally into the activity as you are and it isn’t something he’s agreeing with just to please you, then he owes you the willingness to examine his sudden unwillingness. If he can’t ever get to the root cause of it and settles on “I don’t know…it is just GROSS.” it speaks of someone not totally comfortable with their own body, what it does, and their sexuality. And hey, it takes a lot of work to be comfortable with your body and your sexuality. We’re all working on it all of the time and it is an ongoing process. There is no set schedule of when that is supposed to happen.
He needs to get to the point where he can have an honest conversation with both you and himself if this is something that he is ever going to be able to do. And maybe he never can. That’s okay. We shouldn’t ever do things that we don’t want to do. But if at the end of that honest conversation, he is able to admit this isn’t an activity he’s ever actually going to do, then you need to take it off your list of bedroom activities. Repeatedly trying to engage in something that goes repeatedly sideways causes tension on all parties.
As the old saying goes, “Shit or get off the pot!” If this particular thing never happens, no harm, no foul. There are many other activities to engage in. Treat yourselves to some clear communication and you will find much fewer bumps on your sexy time Road.
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
RDG
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